The past and the beginning of the FUTURE!

I am very new to the whole blogging thing. I will tell you right now, I am going to make many mistakes grammatically so if you are going to be freaked out by that, maybe this isn't the blog for you. I usually blog late at night and I don't catch my mistakes. Ok, enough of the disclaimer.


I have been living to die. It isn't what I want but I resigned myself to this fact a few years ago. I was convinced that there was no good life for me. I gave up. In 2007 I had neck surgery. I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease. My spine hurts all the time. I had three surgeries in 2007 and because of the trauma to my body the doctors told me I had Fibromyalgia. My joints hurt all the time. I would never sleep. Insomnia took away my life. I went to doctor after doctor. Everyone kept giving me more and more medications. In 2010 I was on 14 medications and was 34 years old. Some of the meds helped but none made everything right. I would take a sleeping pill and sleep for 4 or 5 hours. I would wake up and be in so much pain because the sleeping pill had knocked me out so much my body never moved for 5 hours. My whole body would be in so much pain. I would take pain medication to make it tolerable. I would take muscle relaxers to try to make it better. Then I took antidepressants and lots of migraine medicines. I was given one medicine called Cymbalta. I know many people who have had good results with this med but for me it wasn't so. It changed my brain. It made me think things were okay or the right way to do things when they were not. I became very careless with my life and choices. And I couldn't see it. I was so medicated that I didn't know.


I could rally for a day or two but then the activity of those days would put me in the bed for several days to come. I couldn't go to my kids school and help. I couldn't do housework, be a servant to others, or even exercise and eat well. I was gone. In my place was this sad woman who lost all feeling for everything. I was giving up and giving up in a big way. I started imaging that my children would grow up without me. That I would never see the big milestones in their lives. The depression was so severe sometimes it was paralyzing.  Finally in November of 2010 I had enough. I was going to stop taking ALL my meds and find out what I was really feeling without something chemically altering my brain. It was baone of the worst months of my life but I did it. I got off of everything except the meds for my migraines. My brain cleared but I still didn't feel any better. My body hurt and it was so hard to get things done. Sleep was non-existent. While things had become a little better, I was still living a nightmare. I settled in and resigned myself to a mediocre life.


A few things made me decide to change. I did some reading and God really started to speak to me about how I was HIS and He would never want me to live like this. While I believe with my whole heart that God gives Doctors  wisdom to help people when they are sick, I also began to realize that God had given me a heart, mind and body capable of healing myself with His help. If I never believed it, it would never happen. He wants me to trust first and then seek Him. I wasn't doing that. I was allowing Satan to tell me I was a nothing and I had no purpose. I believed it! I can't begin to tell you how much I believed it.


The second thing that moved me toward change was something so small. I had a friend say something to me and while she was in no way being hurtful, it cut me to my very soul. I have dreams of taking my children to Disneyworld since they were babies. The older they got, the more my body gave up and I knew there was no way this dream would ever happen. I had a friend go to Disney and when she came back she was telling me all about their trip. She talked about the walking and standing and my heart sunk because I knew my kids would never get to see this with me. I mentioned something about how I didn't think I could handle a trip like that and she said, Oh, they have people riding around all over on the little scooters like they have at Wal-Mart. I let what she said sink in and my heart broke into a million pieces. I was 35 years old and going to have to ride a scooter if I wanted to take my kids to Disney. I got very angry with myself. What had I done? Why was I letting the CIRCUMSTANCE win instead of overcoming and beating this? My mind began to come alive and a spark was lit. I felt that change was coming. It wasn't the next day or even the next month but my heart was slowly breaking down all the walls I had built up, excuse by excuse.


The last thing the has moved me to change is a child. I don't know this child. I have never met him or her but I love them just the same. Every since I was a teen my heart was moved by adoption. I have always felt that in the blueprint of my life, God had stamped a time that I would adopt a child. I knew that at this time in my life, and the way I was just giving up on me, I would never fulfill this desire of my heart. God had planned this for me but he didn't know all this crazy stuff was going to happen to me...right? My friends and family would adopt children and I would rejoice for this blessing but would be a little sad that our story wasn't ending in this joy. I wasn't even giving 100% to my own children so how was I ever going to get well to help other kids.


Five years ago I taped a notecard to the inside of our medicine cabinet. On it was the verse Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me O Lord, and I will be healed: Save me and I shall be saved. For you are my praise."


Every day I would open that cabinet and look at the verse. Then I would grab my meds and close the door. I desired it, longed for it, and hoped it would come true. Not once did I BELIEVE it to be true. A few weeks ago I opened the cabinet to grab some ibuprofen and I stopped and read the verse like I always did. I am not kidding, it was as if God spoke to me in the clearest voice. I know His Holt Spirit put the thought in my brain. He said, Andrea, stop waiting for a miracle. Stop waiting for me to do it all. If you really believe you can do all things through me, then start believing that, with the power of Me in you, I CAN heal you. I CAN save you from this pain and you will give Me all the praise. He was there and He gave me His word and for the first time it resonated to my soul. I will never be the same. I started praying different and instead of begging for healing, I am asking for strength to overcome.


Later that day, Shawn was watching a documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I sat down and watched it and knew God had wanted me to see it. I needed to fast from the things in this life that hold me in bondage. Food holds power over me and I believe with all my heart it is making me sick. I emotionally eat and I do not eat the right things. I knew I needed to go back to the basics and reset my body but while I was doing that use the time to pray and grow in God. Focus on HIM and His plans for me. So today, May 15, 2012, I started a veggie and fruit juice fast. I want to wash out all the toxins in my body and reset my brain to not crave sugars, bad carbs, and processed foods. I also want to use this as a chance to lean on God. Every time I grow tired or feel like I need to eat something else, I spend time praying. I believe He is going to take this life I live and make it JOYOUS!!!


My goal is to lose almost 100lbs. I want to rewire myself to be healthy and I want to reclaim my home. I want to run and play with my kids and I want to take them to DISNEYWORLD!! I will do it and there will be no scooter in this gals future. Last, I want to make all the changes in me and my family so that we can open our home to a child through adoption. I want to honor God with our finances and and everything we do so that we can honor His command to care for the orphans. Even though I am just starting this journey, my HOPE is being restored. I am feeling love again. I feel Jer.29:11.    "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A FUTURE!!!!! And a future where I will prosper in whatever it is God desires for me!! He knew all along that when I taped that card on my cabinet 5 years ago, he would see it to fruition in 2012. He is giving me my FUTURE! I am no longer just living until I die. I am living to live and to live for Him!


So please join me in following me on this journey. Please hold me accountable to what I have shared. I will be honest to the point it is brutal. I may lose friends over me sharing my story but I feel God wants me to share because there are others who are hurting and stuck like I am/was. We all have skeletons and we aren't proud to have them known. I am ripping off the closet door and inviting you in to see. I feel this will help me heal and win this battle. If I am fake and cover up the real stuff, it will never work. So please don't judge me and pray for me instead. And I will pray for you. I look forward to sharing the rest of the journey with you all!


Phil.4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."
Love- Andrea